Relationships after surgery: I was not the average gastric bypass patient

Question Below Submitted By:  

Kimmy Sue (a patient from Tulsa, OK)

I had surgery 12/8/09. The primary reason for having this surgery was an injury that had occurred in a car wreck that no longer allowed me the luxury of carrying around an extra 130 lbs with me all day every day.

I truly had been fat and sassy. I was chunky but happy with myself, but the car wreck injured my back and my back wouldn’t heal properly because I was too heavy.

I am married to a man that prefers voluptuous women. I knew that and still know it. He too has a weight issue. But he eats what he wants when he wants. He doesn’t try to loose weight. Doesn’t really care if he is heavy. We are having some marital problems and I don’t really know what to do about it.

He truly prefers me about a size 14. I am now a size 4. But I weigh 150 lbs. I am not too thin. I am not too heavy. I am very muscular and work out a lot. But my husband has become more insecure day by day.

I don’t behave ANY differently than I did prior to surgery. I was always very outgoing and confident. I thought I was hot at 270 lbs. and was sure enough of it I convinced those around me I was too.

My best friend of 20 yrs had also gained weight over the years and she has become more and more reclusive and withdrawn. I am still the same vivacious energetic outgoing person I always was. I have witnesses ( I have danced on the bar at 270 lbs).

I just don’t eat as much and I work out more, so my appearance has changed. But the two people closest to me have changed. But my back is better and my best friend and I don’t speak. My husband sleeps a lot and refuses to do anything about it.

I don’t know what – if anything – can be done. I don’t know if I even want to try. I have been everyone’s care taker for so long I am just tired. So they loved me fat but not healthy. I don’t think that’s love!

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Patient Responses to the Question Above

I have heard this many times

by: Yvonne McCarthy (Bariatric Girl)

I feel for you. It is something that happens to so many people that I talk about it a lot in my blog and when I support others. I have a blog about giving away the "fattest friend" trophy. When you lost weight you gave that trophy to your friend and she didn't want it. Your husband feels left out and he's scared he'll lose you. Your life changed and every time he turned around there were people in your life telling you how great you look and he watches your eyes light up every time and he's not the one lighting your eyes up. I hope this hasn't gone on so long that you can't fix it. You can just keep reaching out to your friend and if she continues to hold it against you there is absolutely nothing you can do unless you want to attend counseling together. She feels worthless and I so get this. I haven't been able to fix the same thing in my life in 11 years. I met my husband after I lost weight. Just understand your husband feels fat and worthless and he doesn't feel worthy of you. I try to tell the husbands to make sure and be the first one in line telling his wife how great she looks. It's sort of late for that now. You cannot gain the weight back to please him. That's ridiculous. Talk to him. Find someone that will talk to both of you if you have the ability to go to therapy. You have done an excellent job keeping the weight off and you should be congratulated. Most women would give anything to be you! Continue to remind your husband that you let your freak flag fly when you were big and it's no different. Find some help but reach out to him. He's hurting and feeling worthless.Hugs, Y

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[ Last editorial review/modification of this page : 04/17/2018 ]

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