Husband concerned about relationship after lap band surgery

Question Below Submitted By:  

Ms Lee (a patient from Phoenix, AZ)

My husband is the worst when it comes to eating right. In the 6 years we have been married I have gained over 50 lbs. He is a fabulous cook and prepares most of our meals.

As I prepare for lap and surgery in June, I am trying to explain to him that I would like to start preparing meals since his way of cooking is not healthy, or if he wants to cook to use the cookbooks I have purchased.

The guy has a big heart, but thinks nothing of bringing home a 5 lb bag of mini Reese’s peanut butter cups. Yes he has a weight problem, but he is only 30 lbs over weight, compared to my over 100 lbs.

I see him scouring the web for information on how my lap band will effect him. I get the sense that he is thinking that this will become a huge burden on him, and will eventually destroy our marriage. How can I explain to him that his role is to support me and in doing so all will be good?

Any answers you can provide will be helpful.


Patient Responses to the Question Above

answer for Ms, Lee

by: Yvonne McCarthy

I apologize in advance.

It's late, I had some recent surgery and I'm in pain but this questions is too important to pass up.

I'm 11 years out and this question is by far the most common one I get and it's also one of the easiest.

I'm so glad you asked it NOW! Put yourself in his place.

He is worried that he will lose you and he will try to self sabotage you and not necessarily on purpose.

When you have the surgery you will start losing weight and everywhere you go he'll hear "OH YOU LOOK SO GREAT!!" and your eyes will light up like they haven't in years.

This will hurt his feelings because HE wants to make your eyes light up.

If this problem goes unresolved the normal man will start to withdraw and he'll make sure he's the last person that will tell you how wonderful you look.

His life is changing too but he's not the one losing weight and getting all these compliments.

Here's how to fix it.

Tell him ahead of time that you've learned from research that these things will happen with you getting compliments.

Tell him how important it is to hear it from him because he's the one you want to really hear it from.

Tell him that you want him to be proud of you and that you want him to be proud having you on his arm but MOST of all you want to be able to stick around to be on his arm and not die an early death.He will also be hurt by you suggesting you cook the you'll take his manhood away.

Ask him to take a look at the cook books (and stroke his ego a bit) and tell him you'd like to have his expertise to help you eat those meals.

Also point out that bringing home a 5 lb. bags of candy is just like bringing a drug addict a bag of cocaine.

Tell him you need his hep and reassure him that you aren't going anywhere.

He stuck with you when you gained the weight and you want to live and grow old with him and an added effect is a nicer looking wife.Also when you eat make sure and eat very slowly so it's not it's not so obvious you're eating so much slower.

Don't announce "I'm finished!".

Just let him finish his meal and sit and talk with him.People prepare in a relationship when they have a baby but they don't prepare for the changes coming when they have WLS.

Please don't hesitate to ask me questions.

I also have a blog that may answer some questions at

I hope this helped.

Just understand he's scared and doesn't know what to do.

Tell him you'd like him to eat healthy too because you love him and want him around too.

I hope this made sense.

This is an easy fix! Thank God you asked before it happened.Hugs, YRelated Pages:- Relationships After Weight Loss Surgery

Weight Loss and Relationships

by: Lonicera The Bandit

This is a difficult one, because it depends on the reason you got together in the first place.

I've read forums and blogs where the woman loses a lot of weight through bariatric surgery and the husband can't cope with the "new" partner, even trying to tempt her with favourite foods so she puts it back on again.

Then there are those stories where the woman manages to persuade her man to make it a joint project and for a while they both lose weight together.

Then one pulls the other down.

So how strong is your relationship? If it was some other issue, such as for example your wanting to go back to full-time education to change jobs, or if he wanted to move to another area - wouldn't you both need to sit down and talk it through, explaining how important it is to you/him? How about a really gentle and loving approach - a long chat on neutral territory (not at home), reassurance on what a brilliant cook he is, explaining the sort of food you now need to eat, and leaving it to him to devise recipes? I'm not sure presenting him with cookbooks is the answer, because it's almost telling him to go back to school and re-learn.

It sounds as though he also needs to learn new eating patterns, and if he's good at what he does now, he'll be just as brilliant at other (lower calorie) things.

Every famous chef on the planet changes his style over time.

Is he an admirer of US TV chef Paula Deen's recipes - or that style? If he is you need to use all your persuasion to re-educate his tastes towards healthier meals, or you'll never lose weight and could even shorten your lifespan too.

The gastric band lets high fat foods through much more easily than the high protein meat and vegetables, and you have to watch that.

Vanity is another option - did he look much better when he was lighter? Wouldn't he like to look that way again? Lastly, as he sees you lose weight he might find himself admiring your determination and be prompted to want to help you.

will you keep in touch and let us know how it's going? Lots of luck to you.

Lonicera The Bandit.

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